What we don’t talk about after suicide attempts

There are some things people don’t often talk about after a suicide attempt. After my first attempt, the main question no one could give me an answer for was ‘how do I live with myself as depressed as I am, knowing that I tried to kill myself and had no regrets, when I still feel…More

Meds and sleeping

Just writing a quick post to document the effect that lamotrigine has on my sleep. I started taking lamotrigine at 25mg and started increasing it very gradually until reaching a therapeutic dose, as it is recommended. Once I got to 75-100mg daily, I started struggling with sleep. It would take me at least a couple…More

What stability looks like so far (1 year on meds)

I started my medication in mid 2020 after my diagnosis, and I reached the full dose I’m currently on in August 2020. Thought I’d show what my mood has been like since then, and reflect a bit on the past year. I have been tracking my mood using the Bipolar UK mood scale and my…More

Little achievements

Having to be late to an interview and keeping my emotions in line with my rational thinking, rather than having a panic attack. Changing my shirt in a locker room without going into a stall because I don’t get anxious or scared if someone sees my scars anymore. Letting toxic people go and having the…More

“The first step to getting better is wanting to get better”

I agree. You don’t get anywhere if you don’t want to get better. But at the same time, I think this has become a platitude that gets passed around mindlessly without really thinking about what comes after the first step. I think it comes from good intentions, from wanting to give people a little push…More

One year alive

Today marks a year since I tried to die. It’s sunny and hot, which I appreciate after all the rain. I saw a crow taking a bath in some of the water left from the rain on a roof. I had a nice cold decaf coffee after work. Did some studying, did some knitting, had…More

Two suicide attampts later… I am happy

CONTENT WARNING: suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, overdoses, hallucinations International list of suicide helplines here. The following is based on journal entries I wrote over the past 16 months and it is centred around two suicide attempts. Please don’t read if you think this will be upsetting or triggering for you.More