What we don’t talk about after suicide attempts

There are some things people don’t often talk about after a suicide attempt. After my first attempt, the main question no one could give me an answer for was ‘how do I live with myself as depressed as I am, knowing that I tried to kill myself and had no regrets, when I still feel…More

Meds and sleeping

Just writing a quick post to document the effect that lamotrigine has on my sleep. I started taking lamotrigine at 25mg and started increasing it very gradually until reaching a therapeutic dose, as it is recommended. Once I got to 75-100mg daily, I started struggling with sleep. It would take me at least a couple…More

What stability looks like so far (1 year on meds)

I started my medication in mid 2020 after my diagnosis, and I reached the full dose I’m currently on in August 2020. Thought I’d show what my mood has been like since then, and reflect a bit on the past year. I have been tracking my mood using the Bipolar UK mood scale and my…More

Father’s Day

The last time I saw my father for Father’s Day he was at the bar. That was the place to find him. I didn’t like going in there, but I went in to say Happy Father’s Day. I don’t remember his reaction or what I did after. In a way, I never really felt like…More

One year alive

Today marks a year since I tried to die. It’s sunny and hot, which I appreciate after all the rain. I saw a crow taking a bath in some of the water left from the rain on a roof. I had a nice cold decaf coffee after work. Did some studying, did some knitting, had…More

Life before diagnosis

Once I had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and I achieved some mood stability, I went through a short period of mourning the past and the perceived loss of possibilities (the latter will be for a different post). It was short because I had already gone through that kind of process twice: first coming to…More

Two suicide attampts later… I am happy

CONTENT WARNING: suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, overdoses, hallucinations International list of suicide helplines here. The following is based on journal entries I wrote over the past 16 months and it is centred around two suicide attempts. Please don’t read if you think this will be upsetting or triggering for you.More

Establishing a housekeeping routine

For me, cleaning and keeping things tidy is one of the first things I start to struggle with when a depressive episode starts. Here I want to show not just how I successfully established a sustainable housekeeping routine, but also share how depressive episodes affected me in that regard. I want to share this for…More

Adjusting to life after a mental health hospital stay

I spent ten weeks inpatient in a mental health hospital. In the hospital I had a sense of safety, security, and being cared for that I wouldn’t have to the same extent when going back to living on my own. The week leading up to my discharge I knew I was ready for it, but…More