What we don’t talk about after suicide attempts

There are some things people don’t often talk about after a suicide attempt. After my first attempt, the main question no one could give me an answer for was ‘how do I live with myself as depressed as I am, knowing that I tried to kill myself and had no regrets, when I still feel…More

Meds and sleeping

Just writing a quick post to document the effect that lamotrigine has on my sleep. I started taking lamotrigine at 25mg and started increasing it very gradually until reaching a therapeutic dose, as it is recommended. Once I got to 75-100mg daily, I started struggling with sleep. It would take me at least a couple…More

What stability looks like so far (1 year on meds)

I started my medication in mid 2020 after my diagnosis, and I reached the full dose I’m currently on in August 2020. Thought I’d show what my mood has been like since then, and reflect a bit on the past year. I have been tracking my mood using the Bipolar UK mood scale and my…More

Little achievements

Having to be late to an interview and keeping my emotions in line with my rational thinking, rather than having a panic attack. Changing my shirt in a locker room without going into a stall because I don’t get anxious or scared if someone sees my scars anymore. Letting toxic people go and having the…More

“The first step to getting better is wanting to get better”

I agree. You don’t get anywhere if you don’t want to get better. But at the same time, I think this has become a platitude that gets passed around mindlessly without really thinking about what comes after the first step. I think it comes from good intentions, from wanting to give people a little push…More

Father’s Day

The last time I saw my father for Father’s Day he was at the bar. That was the place to find him. I didn’t like going in there, but I went in to say Happy Father’s Day. I don’t remember his reaction or what I did after. In a way, I never really felt like…More

One year alive

Today marks a year since I tried to die. It’s sunny and hot, which I appreciate after all the rain. I saw a crow taking a bath in some of the water left from the rain on a roof. I had a nice cold decaf coffee after work. Did some studying, did some knitting, had…More

Remaining grounded through changes

There are changes you make and changes that happen. Changes that you can see coming and changes that catch you off guard. For me, bipolar disorder is easier to manage if I have stability, routine, and predictability. It’s easy for some things to throw me off balance, so I have to be especially careful not…More

Sensory processing and sensory tools

Something I learned while I was in hospital was the use of sensory tools as coping mechanisms. This was explained to me by the occupational therapy staff, and with their help I was able to identify the things that work and don’t work for me. Since then, I have experimented with more stuff and now…More

Life before diagnosis

Once I had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and I achieved some mood stability, I went through a short period of mourning the past and the perceived loss of possibilities (the latter will be for a different post). It was short because I had already gone through that kind of process twice: first coming to…More